There is one of many things I have yet to learn in a relationship

I have to give a lot of credits to my boyfriend for putting up with me. Last night, on the phone, I randomly began talking about my first observation of "Grey's Anatomy" - the fact that I hated so much. I'm sure the fan of this show can list numerous things as to why I should enjoy this as much as they do, but I simply can't. I dislike the content.

Forgive me for not knowing the entire plot up to this point, but I feel the sense that the show explicitly tells you that 'it is ok to sleep with your co-workers if you share that special feeling' or 'it is ok to move on with another person even with an existing relationship you're in.' Here is my problem - ou shno, youldn't be sleeping with everybody (including your boss) because of the feeling developed from spending 80-90hours/week together. Perhaps it became a fear for me knowing that my boyfriend will eventually head to med-school, following with clinical, intern, and all that. Having spent almost 2 years of my relationship long-distance, maybe it worried me that such work circumstance like this will cause us to drift away from each other in the future.

Of course, the boyfriend will say that I am over analyzing, which I undoubtedly admit as well. It is my biggest flaw, I detect, to show him that I have complete trust over him and this relationship. I always seem to miserably fail to demonstrate on that part. Not going to lie, I have my vulnerability. I constantly question myself if I'm holding him back to greater things he wished to achieve or become a girlfriend that will never understand his job and the dedication put into it. Moreover, the fear that I might get to see him even less than now sort of depresses me. But then, I realize, there's no way I can figure this out besides waiting or actually talk about it with him. My problem, however, is that I phrase is it in a very insulting manner. Telling him that 'he might do the same like people in the show' conveys my distrust to him, and that is not what I want. That's how I am: that is my defense mechanism, protecting myself from getting hurt. In the process, I hurt others like my boyfriend [It's a only show that I'm all freaked out about, how pathetic am I?] I have realized for a long time on my particular manners towards him and amazed by his patience and understanding. Hence, I am a very lucky girl.

So what do I need to improve from now on? I need to genuinely show him how happy I am being with him because I am. I want him to know that all the sarcastic comments and inappropriate suggestions made were solely derived from my moments of insecurity and vulnerability. Because my action is only going to hurt this relationship. I am no perfect, but I am going to try to convey my feelings more effectively...and less insulting.

I'm sorry.