Patience

I consider myself to be extremely patient. People who know me from past will know that. I've been through tough times whether that was family wise or social wise. Yet again, I'm in a situation where it requires more patience than I ever had to deal with (ok, that maybe an exaggeration, but still) before. I respect patient people. I also respect the idea of being patient because it makes you a better person and more over, a mature human being.

The situation that I am in really has tested my level of patience. And everyday, I surprise myself. I've been doing this to myself for more than a year now. It's the last thing that I wanted to happen in this way, because the selfish person I am, I thought I deserved a better situation than that. I believed that after all the patience I go through for the last 20 sum years of my life, I could at least have one situation where I get all the joy and happiness. Patience, well it is challenging, always is. But I took the chance because it was worth it. It was something that I didn't want to let go at the moment, and I still don't want to. Yet, these days, I feel like my patience level has been being tested again.

After a rather stressful day, sometimes, all you need is a really nice resolution in the evening. [Not going to specify what - you guess] Unfortunately, my ending of each day hasn't been that great. Let's just say it really hasn't satisfied me all these time. Yet, I simply try to be satisfied with what I'm given. So in general, I am happy with the way things are. I should be...

Whenever I feel like my patience level seem to affect my emotions, I become a workaholic. It's the only way for me to forget about the negative feelings I get for myself. But that's not the only thing. When I turn workaholic, I become indifferent about things, about people, and about myself. Perhaps, that offends certain people, so I apologize for my actions.

I miss certain things in the past or even not-a-while-ago events that are not happening now. I feel vulnerable and question my decision sometimes. I wish that one day, I don't have to be so patient as I am right now. I pray that my patience level doesn't reach to the very bottom soon that it becomes irreversible. It's just...I always do so many favors to people around me. I always wait, wait, and wait. Just feel like sometimes I don't get enough favors back in return.

One last hope...I hope certain people or person don't take me for granted. I know they work just as hard as I do to make this work. But, I feel I can only have so much patience for so long. One day, I want to have something just for myself too.

As I wait for that moment, I continue to work endlessly so I can maybe have that chance too. Am I being too selfish now? I think I am...