The smart me

Blogging mode is officially kicked in, so for those who are suffering through three posts in a row, I sincerely apologize.  After a week-long drama & frustration & simple disgust against people, I have finally mended myself & found peace.  Due to the nature of this drama, I’m not really in a position to discuss this, as confidentiality is extremely important to me.

However, this post isn’t really about my disgust toward other human beings (only at times), although I have list of things to complain about.  I think humans can be so mean & twisted that it leaves a tremendous impact on someone who always believe in goods of everybody.  Needless to say, you learn your lesson & move on.  Let me reiterate though, dealing with humans are the hardest part of life, it seems.

I occasionally have moments of loss in self-confidence & not crediting myself for my own achievement; partially that is from usually being self-conscious.  I had that moment again last night while talking to my parents over the phone [as usual], & had to receive ego booster comments from them.  Okay, it wasn’t really ego boosting, but it was eye-opening.  Always surrounded by what society-perceive-as-smart-people can be quite daunting for me.  For some reason I have always been among the engineers, the future doctors, the architects, the computer science geeks, the science researchers or anyone that exhibit intelligence in math or science.  They all seemed to be particularly knowledgeable of their fields of studies & really excelled.  However, I never really felt comfort from knowing that I’m not pursuing something similar & then get irritated educating people about my field of study, to show that it’s an important part of me & something that I value in education.  People don’t really understand the value of college student development coming from student affairs perspective until I remind them about their past college experiences.  But no, I’m not a college professor.

I sometimes hate myself for not really understanding science or math when I’m amongst friends who are very logic-oriented because I’m not always that way.  I frequently indulge myself in understanding human emotions that often conflict with what we consider “logical”.  I had always considered myself as a compassionate individual & someone who can bring harmony to a chaotic environment.  I truly believe in understanding others more than judging them based on a sheet of paper of guidelines.  There are just so many areas that clash within me & perhaps that’s because I grew up thinking that I had to be “smart” in a way that the society would agree. 

Last night, my dad was right there with me on the phone, letting me know how I would fit in this world.  I think they were shocked that I was still very much doubtful of myself & what I want to do as a professional.  They didn’t like hearing me say that I am “not as smart as my boyfriend or his med school friends” or “my career isn’t as respected as other engineering fields.”  We spend some quality time just talking about me & the contribution I had made to many people in my life.  I may not be the person to conduct innovative research & to provide inventions of products, but I have the ability to pull everyone together to accomplish something great.  That I have the power to bring joy to people & guide them to the right path.  Or that I truly understand each individual with care & wiling to take risks to hold someone accountable.   I felt better knowing that I could belong in something to make a difference.

So, just know that you still go through self-doubt at the age of 24 or more.  Life is really never that perfect, & you may have never imagined to be in a position that you are in right now.  But last night, I felt much comfortable realizing that I am just as smart as anyone else around me.  Let me rephrase that, I am just as “valuable” as anyone around me. :)

Thanks for making my day so much better, mommy & daddy!