Insomnia

My body is extremely tired and cannot fall asleep - insomnia. A common occurrence in my life which gets severely worse during a long-term break. Been busy since back home. As usual, my family always has something for me to do. They literally wait for me to come back. Since yesterday, I spent all my day on the roof fixing with my dad. I'm tired.

I always seem to be a helpful individual in the family. I played that 'bigger role' since I left for college. Because of the circumstance in this family, I happened to be a/an translator, friend, mom-like sister, listener, son, daughter, assistant, problem-solver, and personal slave all at the same time. It's just the way it is in this family. There aren't that many that my family could rely on around this place; they hardly know anyone. No relatives, no friends - just us.

I don't mind doing all this for them if it makes them happy. I simply need an air to breathe. I simply need someone to lend his/her shoulder. I'm tired. So a revise to the first sentence - I am physically tired, but I'm mentally more tired. Family has always been there for me no matter what, and the support system is beyond comprehensible. Without them, I would not be here this far.

But...I sacrificed a lot too, believe it or not. I let go of my social life a long time ago. I always worry about my brother before hanging out with friends. I worry about how my over-paranoid grandma will panic if I stay out late [meaning like an hour after school]. I worry whether I let down my parents or not. So, I let everything go. Family thinks I stay at home a lot because I love doing so. I actually stay home a lot because I'm used to it, so in a way, I do love it. Friends became a very small part of my life. Social scene, I have no clue. Party rather gives me headache. I freak myself out. I get lost among people. I feel often lost when hanging out with people. I don't know how to act. I get tired easily...

Insomnia began a long time ago. I don't sleep when others do. It was my only peace time. I don't have to worry about anything for that moment. I could just be myself for once. I don't have to act all happy-camper so they can be happy. This is the time when thoughts can wander and no one will question.

I tend to enjoy being alone. It's comfortable, especially at nights. No one questions me. I don't have to pretend to be someone. I don't have to be everyone. I wish someone can understand my life though. It's quite complicated, and I have a lot on my shoulders in the future.

I want some sleep...not worrying or thinking about anything. I want some good sleep.