Unveiling myself

During the phone conversation with the boyfriend, I broke down. I was in my selfish mood and refused to understand why he was so tired from work and yet called me. Not much conversation went on in the first hour and started bothering me. Usually, I enjoy the silence and continue on with whatever I do, but tonight, I reacted differently. He even mentioned that no words have to be used to enjoy each others company which I agree.

I unveiled my rather "immature, impatient, and child-like attitude" towards something that is usually no big deal. As to this moment, I have yet to figure out why I broke down. I just remember that particular moment of emptiness - wanting to fill in the gap that we have been making for a whole month. A sense of desperation, not exactly what I wanted to show to him. Ok, I am not desperate. There was a sense of hatred towards his job that sometimes got in the way of the only contact that I have with him. So more like frustration, that was.

I had more frustration on him than conversely, which is my low-point of long distance relationship. I'm still learning how to cope with the distant thing, which I believe I do quite well except for few occasions.

Showing a side of weakness, I did it again. I hate that. I want to be strong and act like I can fight through anything, but I miserably failed that attempt tonight. I felt pathetic. He ended up talking to me the next 2 hours or so, and I felt horrible for making him do that. I genuinely regret showing a sign of weakness that any typical long distance relationship girlfriend would face; I completely fell into that dungeon.

I utterly disliked the moment I unveiled myself to him in that way, when that was the last thing I wanted him to realize the person I could be generally. I hope that doesn't change his perception of me. Would very much like to preserve the image of I-can-do-everything-on-my-own. It still freaks me out frequently discovering his sincere caring and understanding towards me. Why is that? Let's just say, worries rise when unveiling myself to him too honestly [I never unveil completely to anyone else].

Truly unveiling myself is probably the most fearful thing in a relationship, at least to me for sure.